我是毋是閣做毋對代誌？(有聲台文) Have I done something wrong again?

[李秀]

       

台英雙語散文

我是毋是閣做毋對代誌？…   李 秀
　　彼年熱天，毋知為著啥物，厝邊彼位港務局長，竟然真熱情邀請初初新婚無偌久的三兄、三嫂看電影，彼个1960年代去電影院是一種正式的約會。三兄親像無界有意願欲去，但是伊叫我陪媠噹噹的三嫂做夥去就好。倒佇病床的老母，看著三兄拍算無欲出門的款，伊連鞭顯出誠著急按呢講：「恁攏總去看電影，毋通拒絕人做大官的好意。」
　　「我想欲留佇厝內陪阿母就好。」三兄講。
　　「阿母，阿我咧？」電影是我上合意的興趣，講欲看電影，我的心老早就飛去電影院囉，完全毋知影老母藏佇腹肚內的「陰謀」。

等當阮浸入故事的情節，正爿銀幕現出驚人的字幕：「李秀等人，家有急事，速回。」
　　傱出金城戲院，火速隨著三嫂搭上三輪車，直直走向高雄市立醫院，遠遠就看著一陣穿白衫戴白帽仔的護士，佇大門口議論紛紛。見到三嫂，in的同事，即刻圍過來，面色暗淡慢慢吐出聲音來：「In已經轉去矣。」
　　「我阿母到底發生啥物代誌？」我撥開動作慢吞吞的三嫂，衝磅到護士面頭前。
　　「發現傷慢，送來醫院的時，汝阿母就已經斷氣矣。」
　　烏雲啊，請汝趕緊融化做雨滴！通好替做囝兒的人哮出目屎，因為現此時胸坎鬱卒，無法度哮出任何聲音出來…
　　阿母打桶倒佇廳前的時陣，無管大人的禁忌，我偷偷仔抱牢牢阿母的頭殼，正手指頭仔捏牢銅色的頭毛夾仔，足細膩、輕輕仔掣掉拄莩(puh)出來佇阿母額頭頂一支一支的幼毛。平常時阿母真悿的時，攏愛倒佇六疊的榻榻米歇睏，叫我替伊做頭頂的這款工課，續落來叫我佇伊的鬢邊掠掠咧----即馬我就是作這款動作…有啥人想欲擋止，我就送in白目…
　　幾十冬後，覆鼎金公墓，市政府公佈需要重新規劃，母親的墓煞愛徙走，所以阮愛共阿母拾金做另外妥當的打算。
　　抾金彼日，我穿彼領當年阿母位醫院穿轉來的衫褲，想講按呢伊較有法度認出我，嘛予伊真緊著牽連彼條母女被斷割的緣份。

母親走了後，我時常胛脊後等侯人無注意的時陣，偷鼻伊衫頂所留落來的味流目屎。平常時定定佇做夢掠袂著彼份親情，或者有這款場面出現，我時常按呢講：
　　「阿母！終其尾汝予我揣著仔，我就無相信汝已經死去矣！」我確確實實攬抱彼款温燒的身軀。
　　「莫按呢米糕瘍好無，攏遮呢大漢矣…」阿母想欲共我搡(sak)開，我拼命攬牢牢無愛放伊走，絕對袂予伊閣再離開我。自按呢，伊走去叨位，我就纏綴到叨位，伊最後無法度就投降矣，而且允准我做伊的影，我就知影位細漢到大漢攏是我嬴，兄哥攏笑我真有撒奶的功夫，當然啥物代誌老父老母攏嘛聽我的意思，嘿！嘿！每擺當等我歡喜這款場面出現的時，最後攏有夢醒予人厭氣的時刻….. 現此時，這工拾金的日子，親像欲去會見我幾若十冬前，雄雄失散的母親。
　　工人佇凸凸的土頂一鏟一鏟挖落去，一層一層撥開阿母彼个割腹深鎖的厝內，彼个捶心頓肝的棺柴色水，即馬，已經予地氣蛀到褪色，變成慘淡的沉臺。我已經等袂牢四分之一世紀透暝透日的走揣，現此時有一个基準點，至少也捌目睭金金看著伊佇這个所在蹛落去矣。無管別人的想法，我「咻」一聲就規身跳落去阿母睏的所在，數想鑽入去暝日思慕的慈恩。母親落土時，我慄掣的雙手為伊冰冷的雙腳穿入去，彼雙皮底黑色的鞋仔，即馬佇日頭赤炎炎的同時，雄雄映入我的目睭前，我…我親像欲吼出滿山滿海的怨屈，我…我欲向阿母怨嘆，阿母…汝知無…汝奪走查某囝歸世人的親情甘露，阿母…汝有聽著查某囝拆腹斷腸的吼訴？
　　工人佇邊仔搖頭吐氣，叫我冷靜一下，in較好辦代誌。我想遮工作人員絕對想袂到，彼當年母親下葬的時，伊的查某囝是按怎拼生命參工人決鬥，單那因為in欲將我親愛的母親「活靈靈」搡入去烏暗無天日的洞內。最後是予阿爸煽動講欲答應起一間小厝佇阿母的邊仔，通好予我會當陪伴獨獨留佇荒山野外的阿母才準算。事後雖然為著這段失去理智的行為感覺誠歹勢，但是一个人無老母是欲按怎快樂活落去…
　　捧著母親拄出土的頭骨，春日燒風一陣一陣吹來，叫人沉沉想欲睏。細漢的時，我單那覆(phak)佇阿母的胸前睏去，現此時母親就睏佇我的胸前，我嘛佇伊的胸前。阮是按呢相依相靠，但是閣按呢遙遙萬里遠。
　　將胸坎內母親的頭骨、四肢，好親像一件一件珍貴的藝術品，謹慎安囥佇大埕頂曝日。目睭金金看，絕對袂使應允胡蠅、野貓晉前來覺擾，親像我童年走閃空襲的時，我攏愛倒佇土腳草坡仔頂，阿母就是按呢為我趕走規陣嗡嗡叫的胡蠅…
　　阿母頭殼頂正爿有一叢烏暗的色，莫怪伊在生不時喝頭殼痛，原來痛入骨內，可憐的阿母！伊的後齒摸起來猶原真勇，這是愛囓(kheh)澎湖柴魚和土豆的結果矣！我用手腫頭仔來回摸伊凹入去的鼻龍骨，閣再摸家已的鼻龍骨，我共囝兒講，媽媽以後大概就是這款樣。
　　In笑笑看我，並無回答我的話。是呀，到彼時in欲去叨位揣我的頭殼骨？我捌交代in，以後我的器官會當捐就捐出去，無免佔用台灣這塊有限的土地。會使將我火化，然後掖佇外垵的海面隨風飄流，或者掖佇土腳予樹仔作肥料，總講一句愈簡單愈好。後生滾笑講：「倒佇馬桶沖掉，毋是閣較簡單？」
　　以前定定聽人講「天下無毋對的父母」，現此時應該改作「天下無毋對的囝兒」。以前若有人佇我的雙親面前無細膩講出「老去」（死的意思），我會氣甲決定以後無欲參這個歹人相交纏；即馬我竟然有法度佮後生查某囝參詳我的後事，囡仔嘛感覺真自然。歡喜in無像老母彼款對親情深重的綿爛。

西方的好友疼惜我這款瘦弱的身体，是欲按怎有喘力提即呢沉重的「情」擔，伊講, “Poor Louise, this kind of family love is a heavy burden that is too much for such a small woman.”是啊！我嘛按呢想，我應該毋是屬於這个世間的人，為何我閣活咧? 另外我故鄉的台灣朋友嘛按呢苦勸，叫我袂使用這呢重的「情繩」來綁牢母親，應該予母親早日成佛，脫離六道輪迴之苦。

那按呢講來，我是毋是閣做一項毋對的代誌…

 

         Have I Done Something Wrong Again?   By Lee Hsiu

     Once upon summertime, my neighbor, a high-level government executive, warmly invited my newly married third brother to watch a movie. Such an invitation was a special honour in Taiwan in 1960. My third brother looked dispirited but he wanted me to go with his beautiful wife. Lying in her sickbed, my mother saw that my third brother was not leaving. She was so anxious that she urged us to go.

 “You guys should go, don’t refuse the officer’s kind invitation!”

 “I will stay home to look after Mom,” third brother said.

 I moved my gaze from my brother to my mother then tried to hide a sniffle, I asked, “How about me?”

I was addicted to films. My mind was already in the theatre. I was so excited that I completely failed to notice my mother’s depressed state of mind. Later, while we were involved in the plot of the film, we suddenly saw on the right side of the movie screen these words: “Lee Hsiu, your family has an emergency. Please go home as soon as possible.”

We sprang up from the movie theater caught a tricycle cab, and rushed to the Kaohsiung Hospital. Mother’s illness was always a great worry to me. However, she had seemed to be much better before we went to the movie. I hoped her condition was not too serious.

     “What happened? Is something wrong with my Mom?” I rushed toward my mother’s hospital room and cried out. A crowd of nurses stood in front of the hospital hall where they were sadly discussing my mother. I waited in the doorway of the hall, shivering and listening, wanting to go to my mother, but afraid to go lest there be some sight there more terrifying than I could bear.

     “She was found too late to rescue. We are so sorry!” a nurse said.

     I swung around, “What did you say? How is my mother?”

     “She passed away before she arrived at the hospital.”

     I heard a rustle of things behind my sadness of heart---I couldn’t see them. The thick cloud melted the rain instead of my tears because I couldn’t cry my heart out this moment.

Even though I knew she was no longer living, disregarding the traditional taboo, I touched my mother‘s head and my fingers softly subdued her migraine and gently pulled out the hair on her forehead as if she was still alive. In Taiwan, older women like their hair line higher up from their forehead. It is considered more beautiful. Usually when my mother was tired, she liked lying down and being massaged or having the new hair on her forehead cleaned up by her daughter…

Twenty years after Mother passed away, government policy forced her grave to be moved to another place. The land was needed for building new homes. Thus we needed to pick up her bones and find a nice place to rebury them. When we picked up her bones, I wore her underclothing that she usually wore at the hospital. I felt that my mother would more likely connect with me because she could recognize her very familiar clothing. After Mother died, whenever I missed her I smelled her body’s fragrance from this underclothing.

Everybody has been hurt or wounded, simply because it is impossible to have a life that generates only pleasant experiences. It does not matter what circumstances you were in; you might have become hurt and lonely anyway. Likewise, I adored my parents and enjoyed their love very much.

Therefore, when they passed away, I felt that it was the end of the world. My happiness suddenly faded away. Dreams were the only way to see my parents. I could dream about them. However, when we met in a dream, I couldn’t always hold on to the situation for a long time. Hence I desperately grasped my mother’s arm when I dreamed of her again.

 “Mom, I have finally found you .I don’t believe you have died.” I really hugged that familiar body and wailed.

“You don’t have to hold on to me this way. You are now grown up.” She said gently shoved my hands away. I couldn’t let her leave me once again. She walked away, but I followed her. I never gave up my pursuit. At last, she surrendered herself to my persistence and let me be her shadow. Whenever I longed for this kind of dreamland, I was very irritated when I woke up. Now that I picked up her bones and skull, it seemed as if I were really meeting my mother twenty years after she died.

After the workers had opened the outer coffin, I hastily jumped into the grave in order to once again be close to my dear gracious mother that I cherished day and night. I saw my mother’s black shoes in the coffin and felt the unbearable misery of losing my Mom. I remembered putting black shoes on her cold feet with my shivering hands twenty years ago when she was coffined.

 “What is that crazy lady doing?” the workers asked my family. Evidently, I was strange in some way. In fact, these guys didn’t know I had done a more unbelievable action when my mother was buried twenty years ago. At that time, I struggled with the workers placing my mother’s coffin in the ground, because I couldn’t stand that they were putting my mother into a totally dark cavern in a desolate mountain.

After the workers finished picking up the bones, I sadly held my mother’s skull. The summer wind brought back a strong memory. I often slept in her arms, yet this moment she lay in my arms. We were so close together physically, yet so remote from each other.

Having to dry the bones, I placed my mother’s skull, four limbs, various fingers and toes like a series of artistic treasures which would be rarely found in the world on square cement exposed to the sun. I watched that the flies, cats, or dogs didn’t come to disturb them. Similarly, when I was a child, my mother always carefully drove away the flies for me.

I touched my mother’s micro concave nasal bone. I told my children, “I probably will have this shape.” They looked at me with a smile, but no answer. Of course, by that time I will have no skull because I already told them that if I pass away, I did not want them to bury my body. Instead, I preferred they burn it to ashes and scatter them in the ocean to drift with the wind. That will be more comfortable with the limited land resources in Taiwan. Hopefully my funeral will be as simple as possible. My son once cracked a joke, saying “It would be more convenient to flush your ashes into the toilet, wouldn’t it?”

In the old days, the world was all about the parents. Now the world is all about children. I was so worried about my parents passing away that I couldn’t think about their death. Now my children and I openly talk about life after I die. Joyfully, they do not, like me, feel the need of their parents’ presence so much.

A good Canadian friend once said to me, “Poor Louise, this kind of family love is a heavy burden that is too much for such a small woman.” Yes, I often think that I do not belong in this world without my mother. But then why have I continued to live in this world so long? Additionally, a Taiwanese friend advised me, “You should not tie up your mother with the rope of sentimentality. Let her go to Buddha hood to avoid the pain of the Six Paths of Metempsychosis.”

According to these words, have I done something wrong again?

 

 

幾若十冬前, 佮老父徛佇母親的厝門口沉思

[凃妙沂]

確實,在佛教的說法,在世的子女要放下對往生者的掛念,予伊去重新頭胎.
在西藏人的做法,他們在往生者三年內,會為往生者做各種功德,三年後他們就不談往生的人,因為讓往生者無罣礙,就像台灣的習俗,有親人往生,會大哭特哭,但是佛教認為往生者的神識要離開身體時,是要經歷像牛扒皮般的痛苦過程,要安安靜靜,讓他安安心心的離開,親人的哭喊會讓他無法安心離開.
西藏人認為死亡是另一個新生,把死亡看作回家,這和漢人的死亡觀不同,你最近遭受失去親友的悲慟,當然很傷心.不過這是對死亡的看法不同,我學佛已經二十年,對於死亡比較能接受,不過,2008年,阿媽過世,我仍然很悲傷,這是人之常情!倒是你母親逝世很久,應該轉成對長者的關懷,大愛,佛法認為眾生皆是我過去世的父母,這種大愛其實更深邃,也才會激發我們去做社會改革的動力,做大眾公益的事物!

[李秀]

是呀! 道理知道一些, 但要實踐, 對我來說, 是有點困難. 你知道思念一件事或人時, 有時還必須借重「大悲咒」來幫忙, 你想我的業有多重.
前些日子在台灣時, 你輕描淡寫述說一些情境, 姑娘你老早就釋然, 我還抱着事件徹夜難眠, 甚至引起一些無謂困擾.
要快樂住在這人世間, 還應該多向姑娘你學習.

[王立信]

李秀姐平安：
我是毋是閣作一項毋對的代誌？10日前此首已經錄音好勢想講趕緊予汝聽看覓，毋閣仙傳佗無法度，毋知是毋是阮兜電腦負载出問題嗎毋知，唉；我是毋是閣作一項毋對的代誌？

[胡長松]

立信兄: 七月底開始, 回應的時袂使上傳檔案, 只有新增部落格文章的時才會使上傳。另外，新增部落格文章會使上傳的檔案並無包括音樂檔, 建議你佇別位上傳, 連接來遮分享,親像:

[王立信]

感謝長松兄兮指導，成功上傳了。

[李秀]

今仔日透早就出門去White Rock 欣賞後生in的交響樂團佇海邊户外的音樂會, 誠暗才轉來厝, 閣再一擺失去第一个時間聽着汝有感情的聲音, 嘛感謝汝查某囝的幫贊, 我會當看著一幅父女同齊投入一項代誌溫韾的畫面.
汝正確的台語讀音, 予我愈感覺台文的深度佮美麗, 也因為汝的聲音, 不但感動我家己, 嘛感動台光教會的教友. 因為頂禮拜我去参加「台光教會」舉辦的「黃越綏」新書「毋女江山」發表會, 當場我呼籲遂家看重台文的推動…了後我forward 汝的聲音予逐家, 想袂到有眞好的反應…最後會友希望我會當佇in的fellowship分享我的經驗…
今仔日聽後生in的音樂會了後, 腿赤跤行佇海邊土沙墘, 海中的白鷺鷥, 山頂的百花…顯出歡喜的歌聲…耶和華祝福滿滿…