尾站嘛是起站 The End as Well as the Beginning

[李秀]

生命的流水無時無刻咧走徙，日頭佮月光，嘛隨着生存的跤步一直那轉踅。佇彼个「無盡」的跤邊，我的心確確實實欣羨眞正的歇喘。自按呢，心內就普普仔咧走揣退休了後生命的道場。

　　當少年時代，我散步佇音樂林園的時，挽掠袂少青葉佮花蕊的清芳，嘛捌佇曠闊寫作的海洋泅三分之一世紀。行這條文藝的路，五彩的春光、澎湃的日光、生凊的秋日、寒冷的雨滴⋯⋯不時佇我的家事参公務之外的風光明麗加分。為著彼種沉藏佇心肝內的向望，我就用「作家」的身份想欲移民去地球頂面上適合人類徛起的所在，楓葉的王國加拿大。
　　寫作是一種志業，欲位空囉嗦當中去挖、去歸納，續落來，閣愛位渾沌中釐清一條一條的視線、位抒情演義中焠煉出美學的感悟。這種屬於創作者慧心的靈動，彼一段一段孤獨熬煉的結晶，除了暢銷排行榜的作者以外，佇台灣，有啥人會當靠寫作生活⋯⋯「寫作敢會當維持汝的生活？」聽著移民官簡捷實在的要求，我煞愣去。
　　「中華電信的退休金會當提供我佇加拿大的生活⋯⋯」我話猶未講了，就予移民官閘話頭，既然以「作家」申請移民，伊無愛聽寫作以外的話題。
　　「我肯定妳佇台灣音樂佮寫作的成就…」伊一面翻檔案一面看坐佇我邊仔的尪婿當欲展出我的一堆獎牌、獎章、獎狀，閣有我創作的八本冊。「但是佇加拿大英語的世界，妳敢有法度靠寫作飼規家伙仔的腹肚？」
　　「有法度！」我非常自信對移民官講。平常時我的後生攏按呢講，東方人参西方人處理代誌的方式有淡薄仔無仝款，所以伊灌輸予我的well intention(意志力)，我儘量發揮。
　　「按怎證明？」

「我會當揣出版社合作，華文佇北美的市場誠大，另外我嘛有能力教鋼琴、做社區的文化工作⋯⋯」
　　「加拿大有幾間出版社佮妳合作？」
　　袂當現場就提出具體的合作證明，伊已經準備欲拒絕我的申請。即馬peh(爬)到彼座奇妙的懸山的時，一陣寒風阻擋我的跤步，肉體堅凍但是意志力繼續勇敢拼勢向前行。有人捌對我講:「有一个蘇俄的音樂家順利通過移民，就是佇interview的時，伊對未來充滿信心佮向望爾爾。」是呀，我袂使予這陣冷風掃倒，我的日頭需要位家己的身軀來走揣。我一向袂放捒(sak)捌拍拼過的代誌，我講：
　　「敢有機會予我後補資料？」
　　移民官恬恬思考三、四秒鐘，了後答應我的要求。我踏著沉重閣抱著一絲絲仔希望的跤步行出interview的辦公室。

佇邊仔的人悲觀按呢講，這是移民官咧共我刁難，因為我無可能佇一個月以內踮生疏的外國揣著適合的出版商符合伊的要求。
　　山飄佇虛無，海泅佇波浪，帶著飄飄浮浮的心蹛入去離機場無偌遠的瑞迪森大飯店（Radisson President Hotel）。外觀的圓形象徵圓滿，好親像箍著蒼穹所有的祝福。中埕雙魚耍水鯉躍龍門的後壁，吐出日月光華回應另外一个空杯，一吐一收的循環創造「統一加拿大集團」多樣化的經營。李總裁佇台灣鹽水大漢，大學畢業了後來到加拿大創造奇蹟，也成就台灣人的榮輝。儒者氣質的伊，事業做大四界走傱，拄位多倫多轉來溫哥華，熱情歡迎仝款是仙「飯店」事業的我的後生。伊一知影我的遭遇，隨提我的經歷佮冊起來讀，然後氣怫怫(phut-phut)講：
　　「加拿大呔會使拒絕遮爾優秀的台灣人，移民官真正是無目睭。我來想辦法，另外我的好朋友佇新力出版社，他嘛會當助一臂之力。免煩惱，好代誌總是厚拖磨。」
　　日頭拄仔佇伊的出現來上升，希望就按呢添滿我的空杯仔。加拿大的好風好水吸引我勇敢向前，假使講我佮這塊土地是一个大機緣，按呢佮李總裁相遇就是一个大奇蹟。三個月後我提著加拿大永久居留資格（Permanent Resident of Canada）。這世人行來親像集中佇這一刻的出現。生活本底就無簡單，就共生命投資佇美好的代誌吧！
　　美好的開始是舊的延長也是新挑戰的起磅。生活實務佮生命追求有互相的矛盾佮衝突。離離硞硞的食穿睏行，一旦失去原底慣勢的組織，會雄雄發現家己原來是遮爾低路。當然這愛怪厝裡的人平常時毋予我傷操勞，連去菜市仔嘛無我的份。總講一句是別人的毋對，害我傷好命，一睏頭無法度來適應彎彎斡斡的新路草。

閣來，欲按怎佇舊習慣佮新起點的文化中掠著平衡，這是一个大課題。代先就佇Longheed Mall的Goldleaf花店被拍敗。愛花的人見若看著花就像蝴蝶總是愛共摸一下，毋過這擺不得了啊，只是輕輕仔摸，架仔頂規个花瓶若流氓的屍體，強押驚人的魂魄崩落來，流瀉一片的破碎。花店的薪勞用廣東話開喙就講愛「賠」，無一點仔憐憫。伊關心的是損失，毋是顧客的安全，我除了著青驚，跤趾頭仔閣咧痛。為著化解伊的歹面腔佮表示敢做敢擔當，隨付予伊開的包括稅金的數單，親像走路仝款衝出花店。但是愈想愈毋對，第一，我既然付錢彼盆花應該屬於我的；第二，花店本身嘛愛負無將花盆囥好勢的責任。我欲討回公道，只是公道無討成，顛倒叫警察將我親像犯人彼般咧問口供，這是啥物世界？據在目睭前的風日晴和佮百花齊放，我舉頭思念起太平洋彼爿遙遠的故鄉。
　　我的琴弦是新調的，若像矛頭懸閣尖的新音，滑落眼前無數葉上的露珠、柔風的神韻、湖墘的月光、雲霞的色緻……放袂落以早舊有的調，因為有牽纏所以彈出來的新曲，按怎都袂當佮星月濫摻，來散發出合耳的和鳴。就算看著台灣親友來相揣的機票，我會親像小漢囡仔揣無轉去的路來驚惶。閣再講，毋知宇宙彼爿的雙親敢會慣勢我徒走他鄉，怹敢知影路草揣著怹的查某囝。敢講這是漂流（Diaspora）的第一站心情？
　　離散的猶太人（Diaspora）延長做漂流文學（Writing Diasporas），是近年來學術界討論的議題。全世界各地攏有因為國籍變換，造成身份認知的困擾。藝術的本質往往對現有的體制不滿，深度靈視抵抗的心路敢是一種漂流？人類生存的原動力等待果陀，精神佮肉體同時咧等待，佇漂流中等待果陀。卡夫卡（Franz Kafka）廿世紀知名作家德籍猶太人，伊的作品上會當代表漂流心聲。「變形記」講著人若一旦失去趁錢的才調，就失去生存的條件，就算親生父母也連鞭變成生份人，這暗藏對資本社會的一種抵抗；「城堡」內象徵一个虛幻的混亂世界，佮掠袂著的現實，人的心一直漂流搖搖擺擺，其實漂流文學存在佇古早佮現在。台灣鍾理和的「原鄉人」和吳濁流的「亞細亞孤兒」也是漂流的具體呈現。伊無法度成做日本人，嘛被排除佇中國之外，伊到底是佗位的人？台灣族群佮國家認同產生強烈的衝突。
　　第七屆海外華文女作家會議，2002年初秋到加拿大佇「瑞迪森大飯店（注滿我幸運之杯的地方）」舉行，以「漂流文學」為主題佮各國學者專家，探討移民對話佮精神原鄉的相對位置。飯店主人李總裁，毋但熱情款待這陣位遙遠的世界各國文學者，閣特別番咐別人愛照顧我這个當致著「思鄉病」的新異鄉人。攬著友情的愛顧佮一粒永遠袂退色的好奇参學習的心，漸漸穩定舊佮新的過渡。猶太人就是因為被納粹極力迫害所以積極建國，無者像德國籍的猶太思想家漢娜鄂蘭（Hannah Arendt）講的：「猶太人會使做世界公民同時承認家己的祖籍並無衝突。」而且豐沛的閱歷甚至加強藝術的厚度，這時陣無所謂Diaspora（漂流）矣。是啊，自古到今攏有這款的邏輯，重新開始，人就有新生，每一个新生攏是一个開始，每一个人攏會使重新開始。
　　有一年秋末阮去亞當河（Adams River）觀賞紅鮭（Sockeye Salmon）四年一擺的生死祭典。「重生」原來會當按呢壯烈無悔。楓仔葉佇深秋變色，紅鮭魚守護卵群的新生，等待家己的死亡。水底分解生佮死，魚的屍體滿四界滋養孵化的魚栽，舊死佇新生中融和。起站也是尾站，尾站也是起站，黃昏的暮色親像黎明的早光。
　　恬靜的暗暝親像投入母親的胸坎，鬧熱的日時若像囡仔時的活潑，我漸漸習慣應用每一个時節，暗暗仔感覺未來會比現在較好，嘛堅持一貫的理念：「You can do whatever you want to do if you really want to do it.（你會使做任何你想欲做的代誌，只要你真心想欲做）」。我参入大地每一片的楓仔葉，快樂走跳佇寬闊綿長的大地。我的新厝就佇中央公園（Central Park）邊仔，廿一樓的視野，人間是會當遮爾適舒感應地球每分每秒的律動。空氣、日頭、日出、落山、雪景、湖光、山霧、月娘⋯⋯就佇門跤口，親像隨時伸手就掠會著。早期厝裡的人猶末來，後生的朋友Robert寫批予佇台灣貓貓看的親人：「你媽此刻在現實的天堂裡，自立性強，英文也進步神速，請勿念！」以早被English Bay風水牽引來橫渡太平洋，來到每一个季節攏使人驚喜佮愛戀的北美國度。溫哥華秋色這世人第一擺接觸，我真真實實踅佇燦黃橙紅墨綠的每一幅畫中。一季的詩情才會當孵成的楓紅，有四季畫作內底上艷麗的光輝，伊用開放筆觸描寫大自然的祕密佮情景。台灣詩人錦連的詩〈邂逅〉仝時佮我的閒雲野鶴相互輝映：這款風景確實真面熟，位我相著Patterson這个新厝的時陣，絕對者所主宰的這偉大的永久，彼種出現的相遇瞬間，雄雄引起不可思議的前世記憶，行佇雨絲仔佮繽紛落葉織成的網裡，奚幽微熟似的情境，親像前世佮今生的相會，神明的意志所建立的這種敬畏的平和，這時陣若無用全心靈去讚頌，是欲等甲底時咧？
　　Skytrain是每工上課的交通工具，鐵枝路上金銀光輝交接，若像映出過往通學消失的青春。十六歲的手，捾著重重的冊包，位高雄坐火車到屏東女中；現此時六十幾歲的手捧著重重的英文課本，呼出的暖氣，迵過冷利的空氣，轉化做柔柔輕煙。無仝的時間磅空，卻有仝款的目標。徛佇晚年的月台回想求學過程，大學教育佇半工半讀當中八冬才完成，親像規世人攏咧做學生。即馬，欲閣注意初冬黎明草埔仔頂的霜凍，就算白雪飄飄降落，日時將欲變短，我嘛會行過厚雪的林道，繼續試探未來。現此時，感覺家已佇另外一个國度，當一步一步實現以早猶未完成的夢。
　　睏佇溫暖四序的席夢思眠床，地球彼頭的電話傳來孫仔inn-inn onn-onn學講話的喝叫：「阿媽！汝佇佗位？我足想汝矣…」電話邊雜濫著查某囝細聲引導的叮嚀。我隨躘起來，窗仔外早陽初昇，拄好是另外一个半球暗暝的落款。我敢是放掉某一寡珍貴的部份佇今生，抑是當咧延續前世某一寡殘留的願望。流水「無盡」，生命到底佗一頭是起站？佗一頭是尾站？

 

The End as Well as the Beginning by Lee Hsiu

The movement of life comes to rest in its own music. In my case, in my youth, not only did I take a long walk through musical forests as I played the piano, joined a chorus, etc, but I also braved all the hardships in the vast writing sea for a third of a century. Thus a series of dawns, dewdrops, currents of water, pink clouds, bright days and dark nights infused my free time as I rested from business and household duties.

Now as I age, I want to carry into my world something that flourishes rather than fades away. Thus I attempted as a writer to immigrate to the maple kingdom of Canada, one of the most suitable places for living on earth as I began my retirement.

Creative writing results in a series of lifelong struggles. In other words, let’s face it, writing is loneliness, writing is hell. In fact, writing demands the excavation of something from nothing, but also the build up from bare feelings to expressing a good knowledge of esthetics. Unfortunately this kind of work often does not to support one’s family in Taiwan unless you are the author of best-selling books.

I was so shocked when the Canadian immigration officer asked me a question.

“You are a writer. Does your work support yourself and your family?”

“I have a pension from the Telecommunication Company in Taiwan....” The officer interrupted me. She didn’t want to listen to another topic other than my writing, because I applied as a writer to immigrate to this beautiful country.

“Even though I affirm your music and writing achievement in Taiwan, I wonder whether you can depend on writing in the Canadian English world to support yourself and your family.” She kept glancing at my husband at the same time as he unfolded a box full of my varied medals and my eight books to show her my accomplishments.

“I will,” I firmly responded to her question, because my son at all times instills the idea of keeping intention in my mind as I display it.

“How can you prove it?”

“Not only can I ask for any publisher to cooperate with me, I can also teach the piano and improve the community culture.”

“How many Canadian publishers will cooperate with you?”

Seeing no powerful proof, she was ready to reject my application for immigration.

The purpose of my immigration was to pursue a great future. However, when I almost reached that fantastic peak, suddenly a chilly wind prevented me from continuing on my way. But, although I was physically frozen, my spirit moved forward with courage. At this moment, I seemed to hear a strong voice from the past telling me, “Once a Russian musician succeeded in an immigration interview just through his confidence and hope.”

Yes. I couldn’t be argued down from seeking my hopeful way. In fact, I never give up once I diligently track down a goal. Therefore, I sincerely asked her, “Could you please give me an opportunity to negotiate a contract with a Canadian publisher?”

She pondered my request for a couple of minutes, and then she said, “All right, I’ll give you one month to do it.” I was treading with heavy feet but cherishing hope as I left the interview office.

After the interview, the interpreter pessimistically thought that the officer had required something very difficult of me, because I wouldn’t be able to find any publisher to publish my work in only one month in an unfamiliar foreign country. After that we went to Vancouver to look for help.

That night there was a stir among the maple leaves a swell in the sea. Under an unknown sky in my unsettled mood, I checked into the Radisson President Hotel near Vancouver Airport. The hotel owner, Jack Lee, had grown up in Taiwan. Finishing his undergraduate degree, he immigrated to Canada, and then created the business “President Canada Group.” He not only accomplished a miracle in Canada, but also achieved a lot on behalf of all Taiwanese people. Hearing about the process of my interview, he was filled with righteous indignation.

“How could Canada reject you? You who are such an outstanding Taiwanese? Don’t worry! Let me help you.” He said.

Jack Lee brought sunshine into my immigration to Canada. His support was hope in its fullness like a cup of fine wine.

Canada is such a wonderful country that I desired to move there. What can I say about the twin miracles of first finding this beautiful land and then meeting Jack Lee? After three months, I got Permanent Resident status in Canada. My life seemed to be nothing but waiting for the arrival of this moment when I could become a Canadian. Although life at this time was often hard and uneasy, I still enjoyed the delights of life in my dream country. I was full of the joys of spring.

However, the beginning of my new life is a struggle between the extensive old time in Taiwan and going into new challenges in Canada. Indeed, there is an irreconcilable conflict between daily pursuits and life-long pursuits. Entering a different culture with new values, new expectations and new – or at least different – communication styles can certainly create conflict and confusion. This is the so-called “culture shock”. Learning how to survive in a new culture is a big job for me.

First of all, I had a bad setback in Longheed Mall Goldleaf Flower Shop. I am a flower addict. When I saw the flower it was like the meeting of fish and water. I was deeply smelling a lovely flower arrangement and lightly touching it in this flower shop. Suddenly, the flower plate broke to pieces when it fell on the floor and my feet. I was shocked and suffered pain in my feet. At this moment, I hear a sound from the shop owner; in a Guangdon accent, she said, “You must pay the price to compensate for the damage.” It seemed that she only cared about the money rather than her customer’s injuries. In order to melt her knitting brows, I quickly paid the bill. I kept quiet and swallowed the insults. I looked like a criminal fleeing the flower shop.

However, later I couldn’t stop thinking about the incident. There was something unfair about it to me. First, since I paid for it, that potted flower was supposed to belong to me. Secondly, they also had some responsibility to customers for careless placement of their flowers. Therefore, I went back to argue with the shop owner. Unfortunately, not only did I not get the justice I asked for, but they called the police who treated me like a prisoner they had the right to interrogate. What kind of world is this? I heard the rustle of things behind my sadness of heart. I held back my tears as much as I could. Even though glorious scenery surrounded my eyes, I looked into the distance at a mountain as I longed for my dear homeland across the Pacific Ocean.

I was a newcomer in this country. In fact, newcomers frequently experience difficulties becoming integrated into their community and fitting in. Everything feels unsettled. For instance, in the past, I was both a supervisor in an office and a literature tutor at school. I used to be responsible for a myriad of co-workers and students. Now, all that had changed. I was no longer in a position where I make decisions about my job and school. Moreover, I was worried about my parents, who rest in Heaven, and what they thought about my immigration to a new country.

Cheerless was the day, the light under frowning clouds was like a punished child with traces of tears on its pale cheeks, and the cry of the wind was like the cry of a wounded world, even though I knew I was living in my favorite country. Where is all my energy going? Is this the first step of the “Diaspora?” In fact, due to immigration, many people in the world are confused about their conflict between their identification with their new country and their old nationality.

Let’s look at “Diaspora”. To begin with, the term “Diaspora” is used to refer to any people or ethnic population forced or induced to leave their traditional ethnic homelands and be dispersed throughout other parts of the world, with the ensuing problematic developments in their dispersal and culture.

Indeed, the artistic essence is the process of resistance to the discontent with the existing system. In my opinion, it is one kind of Diaspora. For example, Franz Kafka, was a well-known Jewish-German writer in the twentieth century. Some of his work presents a kind of Diaspora. His famous work Die Verwandlung explains when a person loses the ability to make money, as well as losing the ability to survive, even his dear parents also look at him like a stranger. Kafka’s words had a hidden meaning that was one kind of resistance to capitalist society.

Actually, Diaspora’s literature exists in all times and all countries. For instance, Wu Cho-Liu, was a Taiwanese writer, in whose work The Orphan of Asia Diaspora was specifically present. Taiwan was neither Japanese nor Chinese. Which one was its nationality? For this reason, Taiwanese ethnic groups and national approval conflict with each other.

Because of the current dispersal of ethnic populations throughout the world, writing about “Diaspora” is a subject of great interest to the academic world. With the main topic of “writing Diaspora”, the year 2002 conference of Overseas Chinese Women Writer’s Association took place in Vancouver Radisson President Hotel where I was luckily staying when I entered Canada. The Hotel owner Jack Lee, not only courteously welcomed the literary group from diversified faraway countries but also he specifically wanted the others to look after me, a struggling homesick newcomer.

It is true, not only do I have a loving friendship; I have a curious mood that never stops pursuing my studies, such as studying English, creative writing, learning new things etc. Gradually, I was settling down between my old time passing in Taiwan and my new time coming to Canada. Likewise, because the Jews were extremely persecuted by Nazis, they positively established a nation. Thus there is a saying from Hannah Arendt, who was a Judean philosopher, “As well as becoming world citizens, the Jews can also stay loyal to their home country. There is no conflict between them.” Indeed, a great diversity of views gives rise to a well-done article about art; thus the so-called “Diaspora” doesn’t matter.

Being cut off from one’s own familiar land and being faced with a new culture is like being up a creek without a paddle. However, it can be a blessing in disguise. In spite of many frustrations, living in a new culture can help one better understand oneself, which leads to a better understanding of others. In this way, after immigrants really overcome their difficulties, they can learn to enjoy and to appreciate the diversity of people. Each one was born a child; one’s power is the power of growth. The point is making a fresh beginning; then the person has a new life. Having a new life, then the person has a new beginning.

When autumn was coming, we went to Adams River to see the sockeye salmon’s ceremony of both birth and death once every four years. What a heroically magnificent sight rebirth is! Look! Maple leaves splendidly change color in the late autumn; the aged salmon heroically protect their groups of eggs until their babies births and then they wait for death; the river bed decomposition lives with death; the aging corpses nourish the juvenile fish; the old life melts into the new life. Yes, the dusk of the evening looks like the dawn of the morning. Likewise, the beginning is the end. The end also is the beginning.

Blessedly, I gradually adapted to every season in my new country. I also now believe my future will be much better than before. I have a motto, “I can do whatever I want to do, if I really want to do it.”

There are tracts in my life that are curious and quiet. They are the open spaces where my creative days have both light and air. My new home is set near Central Park in Burnaby. The high-rise building provides a series of wonderful sights from my window, such as sunrise, sunset, snow, lake light, moonlight…I seem to be able to grasp all of the moments on the earth. Moreover, buying this new home on Patterson, I felt like I was going back to meet my former days of life; walking in the fine rain, I seemed to be going to a very familiar environment. It’s as if a déjà vu of my previous life and my new life are meeting.

Now I am satisfied that my dream has come true, and enjoys each moment as a new being. However, one night when I was sleeping, the telephone suddenly rang. I picked up the receiver. My five-year-old grandson called me from Taiwan. He babbled, “Grandma! Where are you? ”

“My dear, how are you?” I threw off the blanket and sat up straight

“I am missing you.” I could hear my daughter in the background encouraging his message.

Outside the window it is the beginning of dawn rising. In another hemisphere Taiwan begins the night. Am I leaving behind some precious parts of my life in Taiwan or abandoning a previous life with unfinished duties in Canada? Running water is always inexhaustible. In life, which side is the beginning or the end?

 

一、 2005華語「終點也是起點」創作。2007選入當代温哥華華裔加拿大人文集。

二、 2006英譯 “The End as Well as the Beginning” 選入“The Vancouver Sun 2008” 世界各國移民至加拿大故事集。

三、 2010 改寫台文「尾站嘛是起站」。

 

[柯柏榮]

李秀老師：您台文書寫的功力愈來愈深，這篇閣經過您幼秀的手路si-a-geh了後，閣較順、閣較有台文的芳味！
感性的心、感動的筆、感人的文章！

[李秀]

感謝台文戰線、台文文友、閣有汝這本活字典，以及深深引起我貼肉黏骨的感情，無管天有偌懸、海有偌深、嘛無管有偌疲勞，我就按呢往台文、我的母語世界浸落去。
夾佇各色人種，鬧熱滾滾的人群中，行往English Bay觀賞Firework。一葩一葩驚心動魄的火傘，飛舞佇半空中閃熠…煙火澎湃了後，終其尾攏恬恬落海入去矣，成為海的一部份。生命的路草，敢毋是親像這款樣咧！

[王立信]

此陣阮用靜默代替尊崇兮思路，用無回應來回應遮呢濟朋友圍壘佇身邊，雖莽是佇空中咧交陪。
太好囉即陣好朋友，太好囉即區值得挖掘兮田園。

[李秀]

澎湖腔口的聲音當咧佇北美走徒.