阿爸！汝敢是無愛阿母？(有聲台文) Father! Don't You Love Mother?

[李秀]

三更半暝，予一陣電話聲驚精神，心內真無歡喜，一定閣是啥人敲毋著的電話，我慢慢仔拍開電火。

「阿子honn？」電話線彼爿，傳來熟似的聲音。

「是阿爸-----」我趕緊掀開棉被，雄狂坐起來，氣家己失算，予阿爸等遮久。

「恁阿母是去佗位，那會攏無人佇厝？」

「阿爸！」我毋知欲按怎講，但是嘛安搭家己，伊的身邊一定有人咧陪。

「汝趕緊叫伊轉來，我上班未赴矣。」伊催愈緊，我的心愈亂，拄才嘛夢著阿母，阿母！汝敢是就佇阮的身邊咧？

「攏無人佇厝，阿媽無人顧，是欲按怎！」阿爸佇彼頭家己踅踅唸，阿媽早就過身20外冬矣，阿爸到今猶咧數念伊。我喉管滇滇：「阿爸！我隨轉來，汝先共電話掛斷。」

離後頭厝10分鐘的路程，我2分鐘就趕到。三兄目頭結結當咧苦勸伊老大人，我問：「今仔日輪著啥人看顧？」

「我。」三兄悿悿仔應我。

「汝去睏！今仔日暗暝我來顧。」

規暗阿爸攏睏袂定著，毋是khuh-khuh嗽，就是行來行去，遮看看咧，遐看看咧，看門鎖有好勢無？看厝內一切敢有四序？看著我，親像較安心。看甲我心肝咧滴血：「阿爸！汝即馬是享福的時陣，毋免遮爾操煩厝裡的大細矣。」

就是驚阿爸日時睏傷飽，暗時睏袂去，兄哥in有請一个「烏里桑」來佇日時陪伊開講、散步、行棋。

毋過看盈暗的範勢，若像無界妥當。人！無睏按怎會使得？兄哥講阿爸睏攏袂好勢，無法度一睏到天光。這敢是佮伊以早養成的習慣有關係？

為著一家伙仔十支喙，除了a-lu-mih(鋁)廠的三班輪值以外，愛閣四界揣散工趁外路仔。暗時上班毋敢睏傷落眠，日時閣愛做工課，賰落來會當睏的時間，免想嘛知。這站仔聽四兄講，阿爸喙齒無好，這就是彼當時辛苦的結果。伊總是喙齒根咬絚，撐起超過伊體力的穡(sit)頭所引起的。

但是佇我記憶內底，細漢時有通食有通穿閣有通耍，一點仔都無感覺日子的散赤困苦，若有的話，嘛只有阿媽的艱苦病痛的吼聲不時佇耳孔邊爾爾。莫怪阿兄in攏講我上好命，到我捌代誌，家境因為父母的拍拼勤儉，有所改善，而且我是上細漢的查某囝，上得人疼，閣較毋知天地幾斤重。

所以我定定愛阿爸講彼當年in所講的悲慘歲月，以早伊猶會逗逗仔講，親像咧講故事仝款。但是最近煞掩面痛苦講伊無欲想過去，抑無就想欲吼，特別是提起阿媽佮阿母的時陣。是矣，參伊仝行仝命的家後佮苦難中相依相倚的娘親，是伊生命中透心刻骨的記持。

一个人行過懸山，路徑坎坷，落尾當欲踏入平順四序的道路時，卻是頭毛絲落霜的孤單歲月。這个時陣伊已經無心情家己獨獨享受，因為伊的親伴袂當佮伊做夥享受in手牽手奮鬥的成果。

自從阿媽佮阿母過身了後，阿爸的快樂嘛綴咧埋入土腳，據在阮做序細的有心欲伺候。其實講來真見笑，逐家攏無閒，陪伊開講的時間實在嘛有限。

突然間予我深深感受著一項代誌，念舊閣重感情，重心攏囥佇別人(比如父母、翁某、囝兒)身軀頂，除非汝比in先轉去，無者，食老注定扮演悲劇的角色。我定定怨嘆阿爸，若是伊會當培養一款興趣，毋知有偌好。上起碼會當寫字、挨(e)琴仔這類屬於心靈寄託的物件，毋免即馬無聊甲胡思亂想，見想都是遐个捶心肝的往事。

阿公少年的時，就離開阿媽佮兩个猶咧飼奶的紅嬰仔，造成阿媽經歷一段非常悲苦的歲月，才會佇猶未五十歲目睭就哭甲青盲，閣透年透月粒積的鬱卒心窟，變甲眞歹性地。有一擺阿媽趁阿母無注意，家己摸揣埕斗的牆仔，欲去隔壁叔伯兄哥in兜，煞大大摔落去水溝底，就按呢攏徛袂起來矣。

阿媽經過這擺的苦厄，規工哭哭啼啼，若小可無順事，就大聲咒讖家己，呔(怎麼)毋較早死死咧。以早生活散赤，不過逐家歡歡喜喜過日子，彼个年代，就是日本殖民統治的台灣百姓生活的款樣。但是阿媽的病痛，卻是阮一家伙仔上割心的痛苦。自按呢阮厝就綴阿媽的喜怒哀樂咧浮浮沉沉，不幸的是伊的病痛是內外齊痛，伊的新婦我的阿母閣按怎順伊的意，嘛無法度增加伊的快活，所致阿母時常受著阿爸的責罵。這个時陣的阿母，一面恬恬仔流目屎，一面按耐厝內的大細項工課。

有一擺，因為按呢，我對阿媽習慣性的哀喝煞起反感起來。平常時阿母除了去菜市仔買菜佮幫一、兩戶日本人洗衫褲以外，伊攏是佇我的視線內底。但是這工睏晝了後，一直無看著老母的形影。所有會當揣的所在攏揣無，我氣著逆著，大聲對阿媽喝：「阮阿母無去矣，汝閣咧哭？」了後我掠狂走出去揣，走到一个曠闊的所在，彼搭疏疏櫳櫳閣豎幾塊仔墓牌。奚無邊無閘的地平線，我真正毋知欲對佗一个方向揣我親愛的母親。佇秋風瑟瑟的下晡，更加淒涼，又閣看無阿母，人咧講的前途茫茫，大概就是按呢了，我開始嗤嗤嚊嚊哭起來。突然間，普普仔隨著風勢飄來一陣一陣哭嚊聲，我目屎拭焦，耳孔激利利，小小的心靈若像有一種矛盾，希望是阿母，閣希望毋是阿母，一粒心肝吊到懸懸，隨著聲音，我一路大大步步行過去……

「啊！阿母……」當看清楚的時，我是若傱若躘哭甲嗎嗎叫。

「汝那會走來遮？」起著驚的阿母，一爿牢牢攬抱我，一爿頓心肝咧罵。

伊拭焦阮的目屎，徛起來幽幽仔講：「攏莫共人講，阿母有來遮。」

轉來到厝，阿母換一副快樂的面形，向阿媽好禮仔請安問好，閣向伊會失禮，講囡仔人毋捌代誌烏白講話。

阿爸煞工轉來，我當然無提起這件代誌。但是我若像有向阿爸抗議過，會記得伊是按呢回答：「恁阿媽目睭青盲，事事項項攏無利便，情緒當然無好，咱做囝孫的毋但愛體諒伊，而且愛更加友孝伊。」

「阿爸！汝敢是無愛阿母？」阿爸一向攏真嚴肅，只有我敢對伊撒奶。

「啥人講的？」

囡仔的時體會袂出阿母的心情，大漢才了解伊彼當時吞壓的心。無才會去荒郊野外大哭一場咧，真氣家己按怎毋較早捌代誌的。

外媽in兜我一點仔都無印象，毋過阿母是一个孝女。聽講阿舅in有的真早就過身，有的生活並無界好，所以連外公外媽的墓攏無法度起好勢。阿母為著欲表示一點仔孝心，無顧阿爸這爿的反對，偷偷仔轉去故鄉澎湖外垵，將外公外媽的墓地，翻修甲媠閣清氣。不幸的是，真正去予「傳說」料甲準準準。轉來台灣了後，阿母不但面色各樣，原底的膽病閣變較嚴重。無半句遺言，佇半冬後，就離開這个世間。

聽講嫁出去的查某囝，袂當傷顧後頭厝，若無會有歹結果。這實在是有孔無榫的譀古，聽阿爸的口氣嘛是有按呢的想法。可憐的阿母，伊有一片孝心，煞有路無底套，為著欲友孝閣愛掩掩揜揜(ng-ng iap-iap)。我咧想當年阿爸若無反對阿母這份心意，佮伊互相參詳，抑是共伊鬥相共，毋免予一个軟弱的查某人，飄洋過海，孤孤單單處理別人遣損的代誌，凡勢情形就無仝款矣。阿母一方面愛對厝裡盡責任，一方面閣想欲對外家厝盡心意，煞受著阻礙，彼款心內承受的壓力，予即馬捌代誌的我，心痛呀！

傳統的風俗，有時陣親像拐人跤的石頭，使人毋知欲按怎。我結婚了後，若有閒就真愛轉去後頭厝。阿爸想欲看我，只是伊卻是講：「愛以家庭為重，無代誌毋通定定轉來後家厝。」

「阿爸，汝敢希望查某囝嫁出去，就袂記得我原來的厝？」

「汝千萬愛會記得，傷顧外家是歹現象。」阿爸無奈按呢講。

「烏白講，我就偏偏欲逐工轉來看你。」

「汝這个死查仔鬼仔----」我咧想阿爸的心情是複雜閣矛盾的。

前幾冬，阿爸的記憶猶清楚的時，我會小可試問遮个往事。伊猶原按呢講，阿母無應該轉去處理外家的代誌，這時陣阮父仔囝總會引起一場激烈的爭論。

這幾冬來，隔傷久無看著我，伊就會定定向兄哥問起我。有當時仔我會閣提起往事(佮阿爸回想往事是上快樂的代誌)，伊煞講一點仔都記袂起來矣。啊！我偌爾仔希望阮閣會當有爭論的時陣，雖然我無界贊成阿爸捌有過的觀念。

阿母比阿媽早往生一年，阿母的離開，親像鑼鼓聲撞破歲月的恬靜，驚醒一家口仔的依賴心。阿媽的啼哭聲恬去矣。阿爸對阿媽的耐心佮孝心猶原仝款，當時少年的我，直直感覺阿爸只愛娘親，無愛某。無到一冬，阿媽嘛過身去，阿爸經過一段無算短的悲痛日子，才敢放鬆家己，表露出對阿母的數念。原來伊對in的愛攏仝款，只是方法無仝，伊對阿媽是加一份責任，對阿母的愛是深深藏佇心肝底。

但是我感覺「愛」就是愛表現出來，藏佇心內閣有啥路用！等到想欲表現的時，對方已經無佇身軀邊，這敢無遺憾終身咧？

暝真深矣，陪阿爸開講一時仔，愛睏蟲煞咧搔，只好向伊投降，伊就緊趕我去睏，我講：「你無睏，我欲按怎睏？」拗袂過我的催逼，伊誠實躺落來。毋過無偌久伊就閣爬起來問：「恁阿母咧？」

阿媽佮阿母的遺相，懸懸掛佇阿爸的房間內，我深深看一下阿母，伊親像有無限的安慰，閣有無限的淒冷。

其實這幾個月以來，阿爸的情形好真濟，只要有人逗逗仔共伊解說，伊猶是聽會入去。莫予伊一个人親像孤單老人烏白想，是比食藥仔看醫生閣較有效。囝孫濟嘛有好處，輪流顧，較袂忝。飼囝的艱苦，食老就會當享受矣。這敢毋是阿母留予阿爸的無價之寶！

透早的日頭初初探頭，三兄已經起床，準備欲導(chhoa)阿爸去體育場散步、做運動。我將阿爸交予阿兄，然後幔一領日頭光轉去。

厝邊頭尾攏講阿爸足好命，有一大陣友孝的囝孫，敢按呢？若佮阿爸對待阿媽的孝心比起來，阮閣差遠咧。彼時阮攏怨嘆阿伯無負責任，煞予阿爸罵甲足食力，講囡仔人無使亂講話。伊講有機會友孝，是做囝孫的福氣。

阮就是踏著阿爸的跤步一路行來，加加減減攏有伊自細漢共阮培養的觀念。只是，阿爸！假使汝若想著後生查某囝的幸福婚姻，汝應該歡喜阮比你較巧！

 

 

 

Father! Don't You Love Mother? by Lee Hsiu

It must have been the middle of the night. The telephone rang.

"It must be a wrong number again," I thought. Feeling quite annoyed, I turned on the light and picked up the receiver.

"Hello!"

"Is Ahtsu there?" a weak voice asked. “Ahtsu” was the name for me that only family members used.

"Papa!" I threw off my blanket and sat up straight.

"Where is your mother? Where is everybody?"

"Father!” I called out, feeling totally helpless.

"Please tell her to come home as soon as possible. I have to go to the office."

Dear Mother. You must be present. I just dreamt about you too.

"There's nobody here to take care of your grandma,” he muttered. “What should I do?”

Both Mother and Grandma had been dead for over twenty years.

"Father, please calm down! I will be right over."

I have four brothers. Father lived with the third one, about ten minutes by foot from my house. I ran and got there in three minutes.

"Whose turn is it to look after Father tonight?” I asked when I arrived.

"Mine," Third brother sighed.

"Go to bed. Let me look after him now."

Father was wandering around in an agitated state. He was so worried about security that he couldn't sleep. Even back then, there always seemed to be someone to wait up for.

"There's nothing to worry about, Papa. Have you forgotten that Grandma and Mama passed away?” I repeated over and over. Perhaps my presence gradually dispelled his visions. At last he seemed to get over it.

Because of his sleeplessness, we hired a nurse to be with him during the day. We hoped that would help him sleep. It was no use.

My brothers felt that Father's problem originated in earlier years. In the prime of his life, Father held down two jobs to support a family of ten - one during the day and another at night. On the night shift, he hardly slept. Of course, during the day he was expected to be wide awake. He had worn down his teeth because he gritted them every time he had to lift something heavy.

Except when Grandma was sick, my memories of childhood were good. No wonder my brothers accused me of being a little princess! As the baby of the family, I was fortunate to benefit from our parents' hard work. It was fun to listen to Father's stories of the bad old days. He really came alive talking about those times. But nowadays, he refuses to talk about the past, especially anything concerning Grandma and Mother.

Any pleasure he might feel immediately evaporated when the shadow of these women crossed his mind. No distraction was sufficient. In any case, we were too busy to keep him company. I thought that maybe he could take up a hobby that might keep him occupied and help him forget his broken heart.

When Father was approximately two years old, Grandpa disappeared. Grandma had to raise Father on her own. At age fifty, she was blind, perhaps because of a million tears? Later, she fell down and broke a leg. After that, she could no longer stand. She had so many troubles and was always sad, asking to die. Life for her was a heavy burden.

In the mid 1940s, Taiwan was occupied by the Japanese. While everyone suffered, our problems were exacerbated by Grandma's misfortunes. No one could help us. The mood at home rose and fell according to her every emotion. Even though Mother did her best to get along with her mother-in-law, nothing she did was good enough. Father scolded Mother when Grandma was displeased. Mother would return silently to her chores, stifling a sniffle.

Once when I was ten, I got up, put on my clothes, and went to look for my mother. I couldn't find her anywhere. I was quite upset. As usual, Grandma was crying.

"Shut up!” I screamed at her. "Why can't you be nice to Mother? Did you know that she has disappeared? What should we do now?"

Crying my heart out, I ran outside, looking for my poor mother. I arrived at an abandoned temple. The roof had fallen in long ago. An enormous sycamore had grown up on the spot where the monks used to live.

The wind sighed as it sent autumn's withered leaves flying. I felt completely abandoned. Suddenly I heard intermittent sobbing. I followed the sound through the high grass.

"Mom..." I was crying and running toward Mother's arms.

"How did you get here, my dear?" She was shocked to see me, but hugged me warmly and stroked my head.

She wiped my eyes and her own and told me not to mention this to anyone. After we returned home, she continued to show concern for Grandma's comfort. She also apologized to grandma for my bad behavior.

I didn't say anything about these events to Father when he came home from work.

"Grandma is on her last legs," he would say. "No wonder she loses her temper sometimes. We must show her more consideration." Even though Father always said this, I couldn't help myself this time.

"Father! You don't love Mother, do you?" I protested.

"Who said that?” my father asked.

It was said that Mother’s ancestor’s conditions were extremely miserable after she was married and moved with her husband to Taiwan. Not only had her parents and siblings all passed away early, but their graves in her hometown of Penghu, which is a small island between the Pacific Ocean and Taiwan Strait, had been sorely neglected. It was a difficult voyage connecting Penghu and Taiwan in this age of poor transportation. Mother was an obedient and dutiful woman. Wanting to help her the family that raised her, she ignored the burdensome journey and decided to go back home to deal with the tombs of her next of kin.

Unfortunately, not long after she finished the large job of grave repairing and returned to Taiwan, her physical condition continued to deteriorate. Sadly, she committed suicide after she came back to Taiwan because she couldn’t stand the pain of serious sickness.

Death and the tomb were strong taboo subjects in these earlier years. Perhaps if Father had been more willing to help Mother, she wouldn’t have struggled alone. By tradition, the wife must pay more attention to her husband’s family than to her own. Otherwise, she would have a despised and depressed life. I always protested against this as complete nonsense, yet my father agreed with these traditions and felt no guilt.

When I was married, I still longed to see him whenever I had free time. He was really happy to see me when I visited him but he always warned me not to focus on him.

“Do you want me to forget you and just focus on my husband’s family? If so, I wish I had never married!” I said.

“Alas….” He seemed to have no answer, my poor father.

After Mother was dead for about one year, Grandma passed away too. Their portraits both hung on the wall in front of my father’s bedroom. Sorrow was hushed into peace in his heart like the evening among the silent dark trees. Afterwards, nothing would interest him anymore. His love for his mother was the sunshine of his life. But this love was like a lamp that had never been lighted for his wife. I looked up to Mother’s picture. Her wistful face seemed to talk to Father, “Do not hide your love in a mountain precipice because it is too high to touch.”

“I want to sleep.” I was so exhausted that I begged Father for rest in the deep night.

“Of course, go ahead, my dear.” He urged me.

“How can I sleep if you don’t?”

It was a deal. He lay down but in no more than five minutes he asked me again: “Where is your mother?”

Third brother woke up at daybreak. With joy, I handed Father over to my brother, who would take him to the park to have some exercise. Indeed, Father has gotten better as long as somebody has talked with him. Neighbours consider that Father is fortunate to have such obedient children.

I was of the opinion that we have been using his footprints to model our behaviour. However, Father, I must tell you that we are smarter than you because we not only express our love to you, but we also express love in the treasury of our marriage.

 

阿爸! 汝敢是無愛阿母？

[凃妙沂]

老人的看顧是台灣即馬誠重要的功課,因為咱已經有真濟老人退休,進入老人的世紀,我愛日本人將老人當作寶貝來疼惜,後老人二次服務社會那種安排.我想家己會寫作甲畫圖到老老老,攏莫歇.
我的阿媽活到九十多歲,身體沒什麼病痛,雖然失去記智,但是攏毋吵鬧,即便晚年送去安養院,伊嘛笑咪咪,照顧伊的外傭攏疼伊,送阿媽去安養院,是辜不二三衷,不而過,兒子孫子定定去看望伊,阿媽的性地好好逗陣,住哪裡攏自在誠難得.
我的爸媽已經即會八十歲了,但是身體勇健活誠獨立,我定定轉去台南看in,有當時聽in講坐客運車轉去苦瓜寮,會毋甘,老人家當作是去蹉跎,老人家就是驚麻煩別人,連子女嘛毋要麻煩,實在是有夠獨立的時大人.....

[李秀]

昨昏佇日頭赤炎的街頭揣停車位，眞眞實實感受着台灣的熱天；佇汝的畫室，欣賞汝的作品，彼張我想欲共伊名作【自由的花欉】我的冊的圖, 透清涼的芳味陣陣飛入心肝內；坐佇「鮮芋仙」两个性情相投的两个女人談天說地….像汝愛講的一句話「足幸福」。

旱期台灣未曾有外勞的制度, 致使我的阿媽佮阿爸食老需要看顧的問題，有寡予人煩惱的代誌產生…

明仔戴我就欲飛了, 新冊的後續,就愛勞煩汝和胡長松. 在此感謝方耀乾等評審以「文學翻譯叢書」出版.

[王立信]

阿爸 汝敢是無愛阿母.wav

每一擺錄音.心情攏墬入和李秀姐所描寫鑚心刻骨兮情景中久久抹倘煞，相對嗎有ㄧ種感同身受彼款經歷苦痛了後兮釋放。其實我嗎毋是有孝囝，老爸佇阮19歲佗過身，因為阮無長進一生較拖磨賺較無食兮緣故，攏是阮小弟咧負擔老母卡濟。外垵民風開化親像較慢，逐項遣損兮風俗時有所聞，不爾過現此時經過時代進步兮洗禮應該大大有改善則著吧。

[李秀]

以前想欲叫人看台文，講實在，眞濟人無界有興趣，因為看無，到末攏投降矣。但是最近經過汝有感情的腔口唸出, 我會 forward 予我的朋友讀佮聽, 逐家續變眞有趣味欲讀。我就咧想, 「有聲的台文」敢是推搡台語的一个好方式?
再次感謝汝唸我的文章. 嘛感謝汝細漢查某囝的幫贊. 希望我轉去台灣的時, 咱會當見著面.
汝敢有時常轉去外垵?